Guys, let’s have a little heart to heart. You want to impress the girl so she will give you more sexy time, right? Maybe you’ve been neglecting her lately, maybe you’re feeling a little guilty, or maybe the bedroom romp has just gotten a little too predictable. If she’s still flipping channels on the TV while you’re doing your best work, you might have a problem. Chances are she’s just accommodating you to stop the whining. Don’t act like you don’t know what I’m talking about.
One thing chicks totally dig is sensual massage, and one of the reasons they dig it is that it’s unselfish. Which means you’re going to have to refrain from poking her with the little cowboy until she begs for it. And trust me, she will. Oh, yes. Of course, there is the slightest possibility that she will fall asleep, so better not to try to work it in after the game and before the Tonight Show. Make the evening – and her – your only priority.
A great sensual massage will pay dividends for a long time. She is guaranteed to brag about it to her friends, who will tell her how lucky she is and ask if you have brothers. Goodwill among her friends goes a very long day…women dearly love to be envied. Think of it as our version of arm wrestling.
To get started, set the stage. A light dinner served early, then pack her into a nice hot shower while you prepare the room, low lights, soft music, aromatherapy candles (just smell them and pick a nice one) and a flavored massage oil. Okay, I saw your eyes light up. Yes, flavored. You get to lick things, as long as you remember the little cowboy rule. You also get to be naked, but we’ll get to that. Oh, wait, before we get to the dinner part, you’ve already showered, shaved, and clipped your nails.
If you’re going to be sleeping in the same bed later, you might want to invest in a thick, absorbent oversized towel, preferably one that matches the sheets (just for aesthetics) and does not have cartoon characters on it. That kind of attention to detail tells her you planned in advance. She’ll be suitably impressed.
When she comes out of the shower all damp and steamy and smelling like freshly washed skin (don’t try to tell me that doesn’t turn you on), invite her to stretch out on the bed on her stomach. Begin the massage at her neck and proceed slowly down her body. Don’t put too much pressure or try to knead like the girls in that sleazy massage parlor you went to when you were at that convention, just rub gently in circular motions. The object here is to relax her and make her feel special. If you feel so inclined, you can follow your hands with kisses and licks. The warmth of your hands and relaxing motions are guaranteed to have an effect by the time you reach her lower back, but don’t stop. Work your way down her legs, spending a little extra time on her buttocks, because you know you want to. Lightly caress her inner thighs, but again, keep yourself in check. Massage her all the way to her toes, kiss your way back to her neck, and whisper that she should turn over.
By this time, she should be breathing a little heavy and her eyes should be slightly glazed. Massaging her front is a little more tricky. It’s more about touch than about actual massage. Just use your hands to explore her body from neck to toes, paying special attention to sensitive areas (*sigh* yes, boobies and naughty bits). At some point, she’ll start squirming, moving her body to more comfortable positions… but stick to your guns. Don’t turn off the massage until she wraps her legs around you and pulls you down. At that point, I think it’s safe to say that she’s ready.
If she falls asleep, tiptoe out. This is about her, remember? When she wakes up, you’ll still get the goodies. In fact, you might get a LOT of goodies once she’s rested up, because she’s going to have some very interesting dreams.
A few points to remember:
- It’s okay to be naked, but keep your distance. You know what I mean.
- Watch the candles. Flaming curtains can really kill the mood
- Kids. If you’ve got them, get rid of them. Ditto pets. Fish can stay.
- Turn the phone off. No distractions.
- Also turn off computer and under no circumstances should you give in to the temptation to Twitter what you’re doing while you’re doing it. Unless you’re @mchammer, who seems to think it’s okay to tweet during tantric sex.
- Don’t make crude sexual innuendo or talk dirty to her. That totally blows the illusion that it’s about her. The only acceptable conversation is asking if what you’re doing is okay or whispering sweet nothings about how wonderful she is – and don’t overdo that, or she’ll think you did something wrong.
This is one of the very few times in life that you can do something completely about her that you will also enjoy, way better than going to a chick flick or her best friend’s baby shower. But if you blow it by making it all about sex, it will backfire in a big way. Done right, you can bring the magic back into your sex life… while licking chocolate flavored oil off every inch of her naked body. Need I say more?